work in progress
About Me
Hi-ya! Call me Nadine.
I'm simply here to document my life and meet cool people! I like baking, reading, writing, music, art, pottery & crafts. I LOVE playing games, esp Roblox, Genshin and IDV. Soooooooooo if you'd like to be friends and wanna play games just tell me! (I perfer to call BTW)
Contact me at:
sleep#2101
gorsckir@gmail.com
Twitter: @njwtr_
This page serves the purpose of being my diary. Meaning I ramble on about events that happen in my personal life. If you would like to contact me you could reach me by email, I'm fine with talking about anything, becoming friends, just chatting and etc. Just don't be creepy.
10/31/22
It's been wild lately. Anyways not sober, just fucking drank 5 shots of Patron w/lime bc im fucking paranoid and anxious so I GOTTA COPE WITH ALCHOHOL! WOOOOOOOO! Was having a bad day but it's alright now!
10/24/22
It's been about almost 2 months since I've wrote in here. A lot of things have changed. I don't think you can even call me "sober" anymore, I was doing good really I was. I slipped up and stopped my progress because that's all I do really. I'm self destructive. I fucking hate myself so much. I think I really did fuck up, my mask slipped and it's eating my away right now. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm very emotional right now but I don't know how to fucking feel.
I like my bad habits, being self destructive. It's so addicting ruining my life. However, it eats me away at how people perceive me; I don't want people to see me as a deviant / druggie. I pretend to be someone I'm not because I really do care how people see me and I fucking hate myself if people saw me the way I see me it fucking kills me. I don't want to get addicted again, but I do at the same time. I don't like being like this, I hate it so much. But I don't know what to do.
I wish someone were here to tell me everythings going to be okay. I wanna feel okay. Until then I guess I'll indulge in my bad habits.
Book: Nothing
Pages Read:
08/31/22
Went much smoother and better. So I suppose you can say I had a great day :) I was much more social and when I spoke my voice was loud and clear yay! I told my teacher that I was visually impaired and she took it well. Currently I don't need any adjustments except I have to sit in the front and might have to be emailed notes (since nowadays the majority of work is on Canvas) or I might need to snap a picture if it's written down. I might need adjustments in the future if it gets worse but that's definitely something I can work out my teachers in the future! I haven't told all my teachers yet because I'm honestly kind of intimidated by them but I might have to tell them eventually. I feel like I should have worked this out earlier but that's okay I have next year to sort this out too. I guess I'm just real happy today.
There's this big project for all 10th Graders in my school because it's an IB school. It's called Project Y and it's 6 months long. I've been really wanting to learn how to knit and basically the project is about making something challenging, learning, researching and then applying it. So I wrote for my learning goal that I wanted to knit and coincidently my English teacher (class the project is due in) runs the Fiber Arts Club and she invited me to join. I mean learning how to Knit with no knowledge of anything itself is a challenge right? I might have to check in with Admin, but I think it's a good project idea. Anyway I'm going to the meeting this friday which is perfect because I won't have any homework.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
23 - 28
08/30/22
Much more calmer and positive than yesterday. I'm still very much upset but why not look at the good side of this? All I know is if I do what I have to maybe things will turn out great for me, at least I hope so. Anyway I guess you can say I had a pretty chill day. It was hot outside but we went inside. However I did skip class this morning, bad thing to do I know. It's not a justified answer for skipping but I haven't changed out of AVID because I have to get approval from admin yadda yadda yadda. I also just really hate TRFS and being in AVID just makes me feel sick for some reason. Other than that day went OK.
I told my PE teacher that I was visually impaired and he was surprisingly very nice. He said I should try my best and they'll accomadate to my needs and make any modifications necessary. I'm just taken aback because I was expected to be yelled at. I had to tell him eventually because it's PE which induces physical action and I can't see 3-4 feet away from me. My sight seems to be disappearing at a slow but fast rate. This gives me the new hope that I should tell all my teachers tommorow. I know not all will accomadate to my needs or understand, but there's no harm in knowing.
I've been listening to music and looking at pictures and it just makes me miss back home. So so much. There's not a place that can replicate the loving feeling of home. I'd love to go visit family back home but It'll probably be years later like after I go to college and so so. I'd like to go visit once in my lifetime because sometimes it gets tiring talking to Aunties and Grandma over the phone. :(
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
23 - 25
08/29/22
Hello, today wasn't much better than all the other day. Simply tired, angry and hungry. Ever since Friday I've been on the edge. Probably cause' some certain lady is being an ANNOYING MOTHERFUCKER. All she's doing is yap yap yap and it's pissing me off. Such a shame really, I was doing soooo good. I almost made it to a month! I'll try again but there's no guarentee.
I feel like I'm being watched. Everywhere I turn I feel like there's' someone waiting to stab me when I turn my back. I'm just being paranoid I know, but I can never get used to the "feeling". This occurance happens at least every few months. It just knocks me off my feet thinking about it. Maybe it's been happening because I've been so angry lately. Like how I was a month ago. 1 month isn't a long time but I really had seen progress. Now again I'm angry, violent and full of hate. I really don't like being this way. So for tommorow I'll hope for a better day, even though I doubt it will be it's best to be optimistic!
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
18 - 23
08/28/22
No comment.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
Didn't read
08/27/22
Tired.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
Didn't read
08/26/22
Friday, don't know how to explain how today went but I'm tired.
Of course I couldn't change my schedule because I have to get approval from admin.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
Don't remember.
08/25/22
Good Lord today was just the worst. I don't even know how to explain it in words, I just hated it. I hate it. I'm so pissed off and I don't even know why. Classes were mediocre. I went to the Literature Club meeting I liked it yes, but again mediocre.
I keep slipping under the table and messing up. Really all I've got to do is smile and be nice, I don't understand why it's so hard for me. Everytime. It's pissing me off. Yet I don't wanna become that kinda person again.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
12 - 18
08/24/22
Not that bad, again not that great either. I was a bit disoriented today but I don't know why maybe I was tired, I didn't get great sleep either so that may be the reason. Also a bit stressed and hungry other than that I've got no clue as to why. Reason why I said this is because I saved this site on a different file and not on neocities but Today I accidently brought my Personal Laptop instead of my Chromebook. So I had no Wifi (until I later connected to my phone's hotspots) and all my files resetted themselves but I conveniently put the code in Neocities the night before. I was just able to hit save and boom.
Other than that today I was just very hungry, thirsty and burning in Las Vegas heat. I really hate it in the summer here. I feel like living in Oregan or Utah would be better than here!! Today was a fine day I suppose? I'm still very hungry and tired but it's whatever. Oh and P.S I got lazy and didn't do my 2 assignment's I had to do yesterday and now it's 6. I'll try to finish one or 3! I just hope I don't ruin my productive-ness streak.
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
9 - 12
08/23/22
It was a fine Tuesday or to me at least. Wasn't too hot or too cold, just right. I've got Hot Coco in my hand while I'm writing this which makes me happy. Except for the fact that I have to do 2 HW assignments although it's almost past my bedtime. However this is all fine, today was an eh day.
I think I'm starting to learn to appreaciate the little things in life. I've been much more happier and friendly which is a great thing! Still learning to adapt to the social world so I'm a bit awkward but that's fine. Oh before I end this entry I decided to start a new book because I sort of got bored and really wanted to read this new book for a long time... :)
Book: Tell me Everything
Pages Read:
New book - 9
08/22/22
Wasn't much of a greaat day, mediocre at best. In the Early morning at 7AM I almost threw up. I was anxious all day expecting to be called to the Counselor's Office at best; it did not happen. My other classes went exceptionlly great except for PE in which me, Alex and Sara were burning in Las Vegas heat sitting around. I have work to do from other classes which are piling up but I might not do because Ma waant's to waatch a movie.
I keep forgetting that spreading Kindness and Positivity is a great thing. At times I get angry and can't control myself, like today. I still need to work on myself and that's okay. I'm getting there.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
Didn't read today
08/21/22
Today was an OK day. I won't complain, it was genuinely ok.
We cleaned half the house since we cleaned the other half on Saturday. Got lazy and didn't paint.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
Didn't read today
08/20/22
Met with Miriam and Mark today it was a very weird experience because it's been years we've seen them and they still look the same. Next week on Friday the family is coming and Kris's grand opening is starting on Saturday.
It's been 5 months since it'd been sober! I'd like the same I'm in a good mindset or I'm at least getting there. I made a promise to a few people and I kept it :) It's such a little acheivement but I'm still very much proud. I hope they're proud of me too. I hope I never turn back to my old ways.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
Didn't read today
08/19/22
I gotta admit I'm a little pissed off today. So much shit has been going on, excuse my language but I just don't know how to deal with it without throwing a fit.I haven't done my Geometry homework because I din't reallyy feel like it and I didn't change my schedule.
I've been busy today, haven't had much time to think or complain. I have simply had enough and I need a long night's sleep, thats all.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
109 - 115
08/18/22
Today was not at all boring, but rather eventful. I completely dreaded my first class AVID (which I have not switched out of, yet.) However other than that today was fine and fun I guess you can say in the least. Except when I was baking in the Sun for PE. Everyone had their PE uniforms on but I was uninformed!! That's okay, everything was ok.
I've had lots on on my mind today and I don't know how to explain it. All I've got is that today was truly a good day. As good as it'll get, but tommorow I hope for a better day than today. I did all my homework except for math.. :P it's okay though! Today was wonderful.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
107 - 109
I wouldn't really know how to describe how I felt today.. maybe excited, fun, and giggly. With a little mix of boring. Today was at all not bad. My classes flowed smootly except for Geometry which I'd dreaded because I'm still having a hard time understanding the concepts but it's okay! Other than that I have nothing bad to say nor say anything at all. Today was really just a jolly good day.
I have spent a long time wondering if I should message an old friend, Jane. It's been nearly a year and I'm sure her birthday has passed already. The last time I messaged her I was going through a real rough time and I wasn't really interested in a real friendship. However, now I've learned many things about me and I truly want an honest friendship with the girl this time around. I'm afraid I'll be too late to message her since she's soon to be off to college. I'll contact her soon and it might be the last time we see each-other. Who knows?
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
97 - 107
Today was not so boring but not as eventful. I had a lot of work in Spanish but it was fine since it was easy. I finished my Geoscience assignment that's due tommorow. I did not yet change my schedule, i'll try tommorow.
Often times I still wonder what has become of Lesile and Axiel. However, I come to think that I'm better off not knowing.
Aside from that, I'm starting to think I may have always admired Lesile from the way he talked, walked, dressed and conducted himself.In this present time the way I do things and present myself are all things I have learned from Leslie. If there's one person I hope has a good long life it would be him. He'd been more of a mentor than a friend an I'm thankful, I pray he lives a long fulfilling life. Maybe this got a little dramatic but I mean every-word I say.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
97 - 100
The pictures didn't turn out as bad as I thought they would. I decided to dress up cutesy and good lord the pictures turned out adorable! My first class went great, course that the class I took my pictures in but as for Geometry.. I was barely awake in the class. I kept falling back asleep, then awake, asleep and so on. The worst part was probably that I had a test in that class, I finished barely by the bell. Although I was probably tired because I did not eat breakfeast, I didn't sleep till 10' or because my lack of water. Either way it turned out fine. In my Geoscience class I re-learned how to read periodic tables and I think it was fun? I'm unsure how to say it. In my last class Sociology it's entertaining to say in the very least and I think that's what makes it so fun! The Teacher is very open and straightforward. Not that it's a bad thing actually I think it's very good because he is more realistic and not this image of some person just there to teach you but a mentor. I have not yet changed my schedule because I'm scared of the short staffed counselors and getting yelled at.
This year has been a rollercoaster but I've had more downs than goods. It has been 2 months since news of my Grandpa's passing on my birthday has been announced. I still truly don't know how to feel about it. I've got to admit I wish I had spent more time with him so I do feel a bit guilty. Ever since then I've been learning more and more about myself and will continue to do so. I have had lots of things crossing my mind lately and I still don't know how to feel about most of them. One thing that's been concerning my though is my eyesight. I can barely see things 5 feet away from me unless they're in big letters. That goes with people and things too they're blurry if they aren't close to me. The doctors have already warned me but my family doesn't want me to get glasses, niether do I. Still at this rate I'll go fully blind. This morning my teacher was pointing at me to go get something from the counselors office but I couldn't see she was looking at me because she was a blurry blob. That's all I've got to say for today.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
90 - 97
The news has been delivered and it's what I was expecting obviously. It's the Grand Opening of my Older Brother's Buisness and I have basically 100 different aunt's, uncle's, grandma's and cousin's whom I have never met but have somehow all seen me as a baby. I'm all for supporting my brother of course! However talking and getting to know these guys feel like such a nuisance, even if they are extended family. It's not that I hate them or anything I'm just not a fan of conversing or large groups of people.
Tommorow is picture day at school so that's pretty cool. I also have to change my schedule tommorow morning. Another dreaded thing is that I have Geometry tommorow but it's okay, I've been studying. Other than that all I have to worry about is.. well I don't know. I've just been re-indulging in my bad habits lately. Maybe that's why I've been so angry lately? I'll start trying to be positive tommrow.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
Didn't read today
It'ssssss Saturday! I did not clean the house today but I am thankful for that because I didn't really want to do it today, I'm feeling a bit lazy :p.
I wouldn't say today was boring I was just stuck in my head all day. I've had too many things on my mind lately it seems to consume me. However I have gotten better at controlling my emotions more so that may be a good start? Well today wasn't amazing - as I said but wasn't bad. I went to the store with Kayleene and bought lots of stuff animals. Dumb purchase? Maybe but I like collecting them and they're soft and cute! That is all.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
Didn't read today
Boring, boring, boring. However it's my friend's birthday week so I decided to be kind. It might be a hassle but it is what it is. Honestly was slightly disappointed that this week was so boring, but It was the first week obviously. I just can't help but complain.
I don't like the fact that I'm slipping back into my old habits. Even though I'm the one actively feeding it. I feel like a stupid, weird alien around my peers. I don't understand if they're laughing at me or with me. I still get so many looks but I'm starting to think it's because I look cute or funny. Everyones so nice to me though.. I'm afraid that's all a ruse and temporary. I never got treated like this before so I don't know. That's my entry for Friday.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
84 - 90
August 11th, how was today? It was pretty boring. The whole time I just dreaded being there. That's definitely not a good mindset if I wanna reach my goals. However, a reason to why I'm so bitter this morning may because I didn't get a good night's sleep. After all I went to sleep at 11 which is past my bedtime!! Jokes aside. (Not Kidding) I did wake up this morning deeply upset and bitter as to the reason, I do not remember.
I've been trying to be positive the last few days since the 8th of August and it's worked. Now for some reason I have all these bad feelings and thoughts again. What's worse is I came home to hearing that my Brother got his windows smashed and someone took his car registation. So many bad bad things happening this year. Sometimes I wish someone would whisk me and my family away so we would no longer have to worry. Unfortunately the world does not work this way. I have many things I wish to talk about but it would seem like I'd written a whole book! I could go on and on but I wouldn't like to bore anyone, so I'll save it for another time. One last thing I want to say is I think I'm getting better a Social cues! Perhaps I look more friendly and approachable as the year before? It does not feel as though they are mocking me anymore. Although these do not bother me. Tommorow is another day, a fresh slate I can make a difference.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
77 - 84
Today was not as boring as yesterday, probably because I had a few classes with Alex today. I was very happy today and I had fun! In my first period class which is AVID was boring since we we're introducing ourselves to eachother. For me it was especially boring since I'm switching out next week or tommorow. I didn't choose AVID they gave it to me as an elective even though I want to get out of the progam ASAP.
If I could describe how the other periods went down I'd say Spanish was regular spanish class. In PE we did nothing but me and Alex decided to debate on things controversal or not. It was quite fun though we have our differences it's pretty fun to see the world from her perspective. I have high hopes for myself and my family this School Year, mostly me though.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
68 - 77
Second Day of School! It wasn't as nerveracking and exciting as yesterday but It was to be expected since it is the first week. For all of my classes we went through school and class procedures and expectations. It was boring. Even though I needed some of the information, if felt as if my body was paralyzed and my soul ascended out of my body. That's how bored I was.
I wasn't bored the whole day of course. I had a great talk with some guy in my Sociology class. The class itself seems pretty fun and intersting so I'll see where it takes me. Pretty boring day, nothing exciting or extordinary just a normal day. However as I stated in my last entry I hope this year will turn out well.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
57 - 68
Today was the First day of School. I'll admit I had walked in with horrible expectations, expecting to be yelled at, ignored and get weird looks from my peers. It didn't happen. Today was actually fun, it exceeded my expectations.
I found out me and Alex had 2 classes together which was great news and I can't wait for classes to actually start! For some reason I can actually hold coherent conversation with adults and my peers, even though I was afraid to look most of them in the eye while talking just months ago.
I hope this means I'm improving because this was my goal from the start. This year I will be more organized and won't procastinate. That's why I'm keeping a Planner and Diary. Let's see where the "Work comes before play" mindset gets me. I hope this will be a good school year. I'll pray and do my best.
Book: The Maid, Nita Prose
Pages Read:
48 - 57
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I like to do stupid little stick drawings and take pictures and I want to archive em', so I'll put them here!
Links
put some links here
sample
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